Merry Christmas to everyone (Happy Holidays no matter what Holiday you celebrate!!! I know I have some Jewish readers also!)

This has been a very interesting Christmas. The first Christmas in 27 years that I haven't done the whole family thing. It's just Charles, Chip, me and ofcourse we can't forget baby Skyla (she won't let me forget .. lol .. she keeps kicking me .. she's gonna be a martial artist or a Rockette one with all these high kicks).

There are several reasons for why we aren't doing the family thing. For one my mother is in Georgia with her husband and his kids (a whole nother post there!!! GRRRR.. I can't get over how she keeps asking me when I am coming to see their new house!!! Um hello mom .. did you forget I'm on bedrest to try keep me and your only granddaughter safe and sound and maybe a 6 hour car ride isn't the best thing in the world for us right now?). My brother is spending his little boys first Christmas at their house in Greensboro, which is totally understandable, their first Christmas only comes once. As for all the other family functions that we have been invited to that we are skipping alot of it has to do with the bedrest and my low sodium diet. I stay so tired and exhausted all the time and I am not supposed to really do anything so traveling to family members places and doing the whole loud hectic Christmas thing well it would probably be too much for me this year. Not to mention thanks to my diet .. I couldn't eat anything anyone cooked if we did go .. because no one on either sides of our families does the whole low sodium thing .. so it would totally be torture for me not getting to eat anything. I tried eating at Thanksgiving thinking one meal wouldn't kill me .. it sent my blood pressure sky high and I got dizzy and almost threw up. So I learned my lesson then. Another reason is we have been having crazy weather in NC lately .. hot cold hot cold and it's prime sick weather and with the flu going around and me still not having been able to get my flu shot we just didn't want to risk it. After miscarrying 4 days after getting the flu last year .. well we are a little paranoid .. even though I am much farther along now with Skyla .. we are just scared to take a chance.

I am a little sad not to be seeing so much of my family this year .. some of which I only get to see once or twice a year anyways. But all in all .. knowing that I have my wonderful husband here with me, my son who is the light of my life , and Skyla my little miracle growing strong inside my belly .. I have everything I ever wanted for Christmas this year.

Our 25 week U/S!!!!

We finally found out the sex (after 4 ultrasounds). The ultrasound looked great.
The baby is:
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A beautiful healthy baby girl!!!! OMG .. I can't even get over it. I really really wanted a girl, but I was scared to get my hopes up because I didn't want to be dissapointed. So the baby's name is Skyla Rayann (finally after 5 years get to use the name .. woo hoo). The u/s was great!!! She is absolutely beautiful (no longer have a scanner and camera batteries are dead so you will have to take my word for it). She is measuring just right for our due date of April 3rd every except she has long legs (they are measuring like a week or so ahead of dates). I got to see a great shot of her face .. and I think she is going to look like Chip. I am so thrilled. Dr. decided not to put me on BP meds just yet and I don't have to go back until 2 more weeks!!! All in all a wonderful wonderful day. And the best Christmas present I have ever gotten.

Yesterday's crappy Dr. appt

Still don't really know anything. Yesterday's appt SUCKED A$$. Charles and I dropped Chip off at Melissa's house to play with the girls for what we thought would be a couple hours (Melissa was so sweet to keep him!!!) so we could go to the appt. and find out whether or not they were going to put me on BP meds. First off I peed in the cup. They took my BP .. it was 142 over 82 which wasn't as bad as on Tuesday but still not great. Then they tell me that I still have protein in my urine and now I have large Keytones and that I am dehydrated and need to drink lots of water. So they make me drink water. Then it's well over an hour and a half before we get seen by the resident Dr. We talk to her and she goes over all my medical history and how I am doing .. and she listens for the baby. Sneaky baby .. still took over 20 minutes to find with the doppler but sounded great. Then regular Dr. came in .. and we talked some more about my medical history. They still don't know yet whether they want to put me on meds yet. They want a more conclusive test on the proteins. They made me pee in a cup again before leaving. Then they wanted a 24 hour urine collection. But at this point it's too late in the day to do so. So they schedule me for today to come in. Then she want's blood work. So they send me to the lab for labwork. Well the lab was backed up because of only one woman there and they were having problems with something that had happened a week before and lab results getting lost (great huh? real reassuring). So she called for another phlebotamist. When finally it gets my turn I apologize in advance for any trouble my veins give her. So she sticks the needle in .. then has to dig around because the vein rolled. She finally get's the vein. Gets about a vile and a half of blood (they wanted like 4 viles) and the vein collapses. So then she had to stick me in the main vein in my hand. OUCHIES!!! It hurt really bad. But she was able to get the rest of the blood. So by the time all this was over ... we had spent 4.5 hours at Duke. I felt so bad that we had been gone so long but I hadn't stuck Melissa's phone # in my purse (DUMB ME!!) and couldn't call her to let her know what was going on. So we go pick up Chip. Apologize to Melissa for not calling and letting her know what was going on. We head home .. My explorer starts over heating (this is wondeful because Charles's car needed fixing but he hadn't fixed it because he was going to Dr. with me). So he started fixing the broken hose on my explorer this morning. He gets it all put back together and then test drives it .. and realizes another hose is broken. ARGH .. So I had to call and cancel my appt for today, and reschedule it for Monday because that would give Charles time to fix the car this weekend. Well when I called the receptionist said I can get you an appt for the 17th!!!! I was like look my Dr. wants to see me ASAP .. I'm only not going today because I have no ride!!! I said let me speak to my Dr. since you can't seem to help me. She was like I can't do that, but I can let you speak to the Nurse line. So she transfers me and I get the voice mail for the nurse. So the nurse calls me back in like 5 minutes (now that's some service .. normally at other places it takes like an hour to get a call back). The nurse was very sweet and said that she could get me in at 8:45 am on Monday. She did tell me that my labwork looked good from yesterday but Dr. still wanted me to come back in on Monday. So there's my story .. we still don't have any news really about whether I'm going to be on BP meds or not. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

So I'm on bedrest now.

Went for my BP check today at Duke. It was 147/91 and they made me do a urine test and I now have protein in my urine. So I am on bedrest now and have to go back Thursday afternoon to see the Dr. If they can't get my bp down with bedrest it may mean I have to go on Blood pressure medicine for the rest of the pregnancy to try to keep it under control. It's so crazy .. my blood pressure is so good when I am not pregnant .. but get me pregnant ..and it goes through the roof. If you are the praying type say some prayers for me and little bit that we get this blood pressure thing under control. I will be 23.5 weeks pregnant like tomorrow and we still have a ways to go to get this kiddo big enough and healthy enough to be born.

So I took Chip over to see my friend Melissa, and her daughters Annmarie(8 days younger than Chip) and Avereigh and I got to hang out for an hour and eat breakfast with Melissa before my appt. Then I went to the High Risk Clinic .. my only complaint .. you have to walk like a mile from the parking lot to get to the clinic!!! GRRR. How wrong!!! Other than that .. things seemed to be okay. BP was only 135 over 80 which is better than it has been. Baby wouldn't cooperate with doppler so I got an ultrasound. Baby wouldn't cooperate with the ultrasound either so it took like 25 minutes before the Dr. could get a count on the baby's heartbeat. It's in the range it has been in around 150. Baby seemed active and looked good .. still no telling on whether we have girl parts or boy parts. Dr. scheduled me to come back in 2 weeks for BP check and then 4 weeks from today I will come back for another Big ultrasound for growth(Melissa says they will do the 3D and she says she think's they will definitely see the sex then). The Dr. made a big deal about Chip's size at birth .. and the fact that I have a family history of Diabetes (even though I didn't have GD with Chip). So it won't be long and I will be doing the 3 hour GD test (I am known for flunking the 1 hour . .so we are skipping the 1 hour and heading straight to 3 hour this time). Oh and she took me out of work .. so I won't be going back there. So then I headed back to Melissa's .. apparently Chip did pretty good with the girls (PHEW!!!). We all hung out and ate lunch together .. we tried to get everyone to nap and relax .. but Chip the human buzzsaw was no way ready to lay down and sleep. He was scared to miss something. So we (me) decided to head home. He was asleep within 5 minutes of leaving Melissa's driveway. All in all a great day !

I am now considered High Risk

So I went in there bright and early this morning. Took my stuff from my ER visit, took my little pamphlet with my blood pressure readings for the week. First off they weighed me and I have lost 6lbs in exactly one week. That of course got them a little concerned. I now weigh 2.5lbs less than I did when I got pregnant with this baby. Then they took my blood pressure and it was 144/80 .. and I showed them my weekly list of blood pressures and we talked about the bleeding I have been having and everything. We also talked about my family history and the women on both sides of my family of having pre eclampsia and all. She decided that it would be in mine and the baby's best interest to consider me high risk and start sending me to the Duke High Risk clinic for all my future appts. So she said she would let the High Risk Drs. make the decision to take me out of work completely but she gave me a note for my work to stay out again until I have my High Risk appt. on Monday.

I have a follow up appt. Monday with my midwife

I just got off the phone with the nurse at the office and the midwife I normally see is out today. So I will be going in on Monday morning first thing to get checked out. Nurse said that I sounded like I was fine though but if for any reason I started bleeding and cramping again to go back to ER. But she said it sounded like the Dr. was pretty on with the fact my cervix is just irritated and giving it some time to recover should do the trick.

Spent last night in the ER

I went to the bathroom about 12:30 last night .. and when I wiped .. there was blood all over the place. I freaked out. I had been cramping most of the night but I had been chaulking it up to gas. Well after I started bleeding I decided not to take a chance. So I went to the ER .. was there until 5am. They couldn't get the baby's heartbeat on the doppler .. scared me to death. They did an ultrasound and the baby looked great. They were worried I might have placienta previa .. but everything looked good though. Dr. thinks my cervix is just irritated. So pelvic rest for atleast a week for me. While I was there .. my blood pressure was all over the place .. as high as 140/70 one time .. as low as 119/53 another. UGH .. fun fun fun. Keep me and little bit in your prayers.

Lots of new stuff on the pregnancy front

Okie .. so first off I finally broke down and tried to find some bras that would fit me without having to go online to order them. I found some. Only problem is I can't even fathom the size I had to get to fit in them. I about passed out. I am now wearing 48 DDD (no that's not a type D times THREE .. holy crap) bras. I did find some pretty ones amazingly enough though. I just can't seem to get over the size. It's daunting. I am D normally, with Chip my boobs didn't get huge until my milk came in .. not sure what's going on with them this pregnancy. Let's hope it means I'm going to be a milk machine when it comes to nursing this time (wouldn't that be nice???).

As for my appt yesterday .. it got off on the wrong foot. She started taking my blood pressure and she looks at me and goes "what is your normal blood pressure?" now to any one who has ever had Pregnancy induced hypertension in the past that turned into preeclampsia .. you NEVER want to hear this phrase .. EVER. I said well it's been running about 120 something over 70 something. My blood pressure yesterday when she first took it was 150/70!!!! The nurse was freaking out. I was upset. She made me lay down and rest and asked me questions about how things were going and she took my blood pressure again. It was down to 130/78 .. better .. but still not my normal BP. I am sooo hoping and praying that this was because I have been sick all week. I am trying to figure out how the heck if I get PIH so early this time how I am going to spend like 15 weeks on bedrest with a 2.5 year old!!!! So now I have to start taking my BP between appts and keeping a BP diary, and instead of waiting 4 weeks to come back .. they want me back in 3 weeks. Oh yeah and low sodium diet comes back for Stephanie. FUN FUN FUN!!!

As for the rest of the appt. My uterus is right where it's supposed to be. We finally heard the heart beat via doppler (we couldn't hear it at 15 weeks) and she really had to track him/her down to find it too. But that little swoosh swoosh sound was the best sound ever .. well next to hearing that first cry.

My husband and I voted this morning at 6:30am

We got to our precinct at about 6:10 there were 14 people already standing in front of us when we got there. By the time the polls opened at 6:30 am there was atleast 40-50 people behind us. We switched places with this guy when we realized they were letting in 5 at a time. We didn't want to split up .. so we were 16 and 17 to walk through the door. We were done and home by 6:45.

Some how today feels like one of those days that you will tell your kids about one day. I think today's election is going to have a major impact on my children's future one way or the other. No matter who wins or loses. That's just the feeling I get. I remember rubbing my belly and the baby while standing in the line. I told Charles that one day we could tell little bit that she/he was with us that day when we voted.

For Charles it was a pretty momentus thing. It was the first time he has EVER voted. He will be 32 in January so that tells you something. It probably didn't hurt that I brought home the voter registration card. Handed it to him with a pen, and then I turned it in for him. But the voting he did for himself. And he researched the races and made himself a "cheat sheet" as he called it so as to remember who he was supposed to vote for when he got there.

For me voting is a big thing. I don't care who you vote for (even though I hope my guy wins of course) but I want you (that's a general you encompassing everyone that can vote) to vote. When I think of how hard our fore-mothers had to fight to get the right to vote, it makes me realize that I can never take that right for granted. Some of the sufragettes (I know I am probably spelling that wrong) were even imprisoned, beaten and starved for their fight for this particular right. Not to mention all the Afghanistan women who went to the polls for the first time not so long ago who went there in defiance of the fact that they had been recieving death threats. Someone today mentioned something about standing in line. I mentioned what the Afghanistani women went through to vote and I told them I could handle standing in line for a few minutes.

The baby is ....

We had the ultrasound and the baby is a

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Healthy Stubborn Surprise !!!

Baby looked great and was awake and moving (Chip slept through his big ultrasound so it was atleast better) but was shy and would not show either the u/s tech or the Dr. the goods. The baby looks great and there is definitely only one. It's measuring a week big (surprise surprise) so it's measuring with a due date according to ultrasound of 3/27/05 .. but I know exactly when I ovulated so my LMP date is really accurate so I am sticking with my 4/3/05 due date. I think I am just meant to grow big babies. They didn't get a real good look at the heart so they said they may have us come back in a few weeks to look at it again they aren't sure. Oh and by the time the u/s tech wanted to take pictures the baby flipped over and so we got one okay shot of the baby from the side and one cute photo of the feet .. they are the cutest thing ever.

17 weeks today. Finally starting to feel better.

So here I am 17 weeks now. I can't get over it. In a way it doesn't seem possible to be almost half way there. I am finally starting to feel some better. The headaches have eased up, the nausea has disappeared .. atleast for now, and the fatigue isn't near as bad since starting take these new vitamins. I am so glad .. it was really getting where I was starting to wonder what I had gotten myself in to. Tomorrow is the big day!!! Our big ultrasound, where hopefully we will see all the organs are in the right place and doing what they are supposed to and hopefully get a good look and this baby's packaging and see whether it's time to start shopping for pink or if we will be buying more blue stuff. There is still Charles's theory of twins to find out too. I really don't think it's twins though. We will lay in bed at night and if I lay flat on my back and you put your hand on my belly you can feel this wriggly squirming little person under your hands .. we have yet to feel more than one squirmer at a time, so I am thinking it's just one little bambino in there. I have been calling the baby bambino because of all of my italian food cravings I have been having this pregnancy. Actually I've discovered I crave all things red. Tomatoes, Strawberries, Apples and so forth. The funny thing is with Chip I craved orange foods, oranges, carrots, sweet potatoes. According to my mother in law when she was pregnant with Charles she craved green things .. so it must be something genetic with his family hehe. I haven't told anyone ... but I am really nervous about tomorrow. After my friend Lisa's news this week I am more than a little wary about possible bad news that you can get from an ultrasound. I am hoping and praying that we won't get bad news .. but who is to say we won't? I mean we are no better than any other couple expecting a baby. Why should we be so lucky when so many others get bad news. It's funny I used to be one of those people who thought stuff like that couldn't happen to us. HAHA. That was before my miscarriage. Then I learned that bad stuff can definitely happen to us. And now thanks to having so many friends from the loss boards I am on I know how often not so pleasant stuff does happen so it makes me more sensitive to that kind of stuff. So please if you pray .. send up a prayer tonight or tomorrow and keep us in your thoughts. It will be greatly appreciated I promise. We are planning on finding out the sex .. but I just found out yesterday my friend Lesley from PAL board gave birth the 22nd to a beautiful baby GIRL (well I am assuming beautiful because Lesley is absolutely gorgious and her hubby is pretty cute himself .. so I don't think there is a chance of the baby not being absolutely adorable) the only problem is that for months they have been under the impression that their baby was a BOY. So now I am sure they quite surprised by their little pink bundle of joy. I can just imagine the looks on their faces when the Dr. goes "It's a girl!" I bet their chins hit the floor. I am sure they are thrilled though. So it is definitely a reminder to take the ultrasound technician's decision with a grain of salt. Although the u/s tech was on the money with Chip. So we will see. We have a different group of technicians this time but they are supposed to be some of the best. I would love a little girl because I have all ideas that this will be my last pregnancy but I also think it would be neat also for Chip to have a little brother. Who knows .. either way .. we will be thrilled as long as we get a healthy baby. It's weird with Chip I thought girl and Charles thought boy. Charles was obviously right, I was wrong. With my second pregnancy we both thought the baby was a girl. We will never know for sure whether we were right or not. With this one .. neither one of us really has a good "sense" of whether the baby is a girl or boy. So it should be interesting. My appt. is tomorrow at 1:15 eastern time. It's going to be me, Charles, Chip, my mom and my MIL .. so it should be quite a roomful. Hehe. I really hope Chip behaves. Hopefully he will like seeing his little brother or sister whichever it turns out to be.

I am so utterly devistated for my friend Lisa

No one should have to find out via ultrasound that their baby is incompatible with life. My poor friend Lisa has been told this not once but twice. Her first child Lily was diagnosed with Potter's Syndrome (basically no kidney function what so ever and with no hope for survival) at 22 weeks. They made the most incredibly tough decision a parent is ever faced with and Lily was born to Heaven 10-17-02 . Lisa and her husband were told this was a fluke occurance and shouldn't happen again. After a long TTC process they were blessed with another pregnancy that had seemingly gone well until about 2 weeks ago when they had a questionable ultrasound. They said they couldn't really tell what was going on yet and to come back in 2 weeks. Yesterday they were told that it had happened again. Their new little baby 19 weeks along has the same condition as their first angel. They are devistated as are all of the rest of us on the Pregnancy After Loss board I chat on. It's just so incredibly unfair that Lisa and her husband will have to say goodbye to another baby. If you are the praying type .. please say a prayer for Lisa and her family.

Blah Blah Blah (please forgive me .. but thats how I feel these days)

Ugh. I haven't posted on my blog lately just cause I haven't felt up to it. I have been experiencing a major reaccurance of nausea (the all day kind), not to mention some really horrible pregnancy induced headaches. Apparently when you are pregnant your arteries swell and apparently the ones in my head are swelling and my skull ofcourse gives these expanded arteries no room to grow. So they are causing mind numbing headaches. The Dr. suggested 2 extra strength tylenol, 2 sudafeds and a coke or a pepsi to help shrink them. Well I tried it because after a 2 day straight headache it sounded like a good idea. And it did work. But I have been scared to use it on a regular basis because of the fact that tylenol can damage your liver, and I am not really fond of medicine because my dad died because of medicine he had to take because of gout (a whole nother story entirely). So I have been dealing with the nausea, the headaches, and just being tired all the time. We went to the healthfood store and got some new prenatals that are supposed to increase the energy in pregnant women .. so far they seem to be helping. I am really starting to think that if we get a healthy baby this time that this will be my last pregnancy. This one has just been so much tougher on my system than Chip's was. I don't know if it's because I am older, or its because I already have a 2.5 year old or what... but this pregnancy so far has left me feeling very worn out. Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful for the little life growing inside of me and I can't wait to be a mother again .. but I just wish this pregnancy would ease up some so I could enjoy it some since it will probably be my last.

My most embarrassing moment

Ok I posted this as a reply on another blog (for getupgrrl) since she was talking about bad things that have happened. I posted this to make her most embarrassing moment not seem so bad. I figured since I had share it on her blog I should be brave enough to post it on my blog too. So here is my story about me in my most humiliating experience to date.

"Ok you asked for humiliating stories and yours was a camp one .. so I will give you one too. Might make you feel better about your story not being so bad.

Okie for some reason my parents decided that I was to big a tomboy and to send me to an all girl summer camp for 2 freaking weeks. The funny thing it was a girl scout camp. Hello? I wasn't a girl scout!!! Okay .. well there were no boys in the camp and only 2 male camp councilors (file this away it will be important at the end of the story). Okay I have never been the kind of person to like roughing it.. not even as a kid. We had these outdoor communal showers that we made to have 4 seperate outdoor showers but all of the bottoms of the showers were one peice and in the middle there was a drain where the water ran down. Well I totally didn't get groovy with the outdoor shower thing but it was my only option. I had avoided it the first 3 days of camps just because I didn't like the idea at all. But it was summer time, and hot and muggy being that it's the south and all, so there came a night where I just couldn't put it off any longer. I'm standing there in all of my buck naked 12 year old chubby glory and soaping my hair. When all of a sudden I look down and what do I see? A huge freaking water moccasin swimming towards my left big toe. Okay so I did what any other 12 year old girl would do. Scream "Snake!!!!!!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs and go hauling butt running out of the showers with 3 other naked preteen girls following right along behind me. This was traumatic enough but it get's worse. Apparently the only 2 males on the whole freaking camp had been riding around in a car checking on a campsite nearby and heard the histarical screaming coming from our camp and came "riding" to the rescue only to be greeted by the sight of 4 naked screaming crying soaking wet covered in shampoo preteen girls. They needless to say unassed the area quickly. I am sure they were worried about getting in trouble just being around 4 naked young girls. We were all traumatized .. first by the snake, then by being seen naked by our male councilors and then we had a female camp councilor (from England no less) go inspect the showers .. well Gee by then the snake was gone (wouldn't you have left with all the screaming too???) and She comes back tries to convince us that there was no snake, and that there were no water snakes in Johnston County (which was where the camp was). I looked at her and was like excuse me .. but I have lived here my whole life and I happen to know for a fact that water snakes do live in this part of the county because my uncle killed one in front of me last summer beside my granddad's pond. I've lived here 12 years and you've been here what 2 months??? I never lived the snake thing down because the camp councilor kept denying that there ever was a snake .. but I freaking know what I saw."

My 15 week Prenatal Visit

We have a date for our big u/s. Doing the Happy Dance!

I am so excited!!! It's two weeks from today!! And the day before my dad would have been 58. I am hoping that is a good omen for us and that everything will be perfect and we will find out the sex. I had my appt today. Apparently the headaches I have been having (bad all day long ones) are vascular headaches your arteries get bigger when pregnant because of the extra blood volumn and in your skull their is no where for them to stretch out to. So she (the Midwife I saw today whom I really liked) prescribed me to take 2 extra strength tylenol, 2 sudafed and drink a coke or pepsi and then go lay down in a dark room. We couldn't hear the heartbeat yet (darn my fat belly) but since I have been feeling the baby move and we have the big ultrasound coming up soon she didn't do an ultrasound.

And I turned down the AFP test today . Anyone else decide not to take it? I just feel with the high rate of false positives that it's not worth taking it for me. So many of my friends have been scared to death by that test and worried needlessly. Plus any of the things it's testing for really wouldn't make a difference for me. I am much more comfortable waiting for my big ultrasound and them looking at things and telling me from there. If our baby has problems we will deal with it, it wouldn't change things for me. I know some people choose to terminate for various reasons and I understand that, but after going through my loss last year and having a D&E I just don't think I could emotional handle making that kind of decision.

Oh and I also made the decision for them not to test me at 36 weeks for GBS again because I was positive with my son. I just told them to go ahead and give me the antibiotics and go on.

We also went over my Preeclampsia history and my c-section history and the fact that I really want the chance to go for a VBAC this go round. She like the Dr. I saw last time feels that my risks are lower this time for the preeclampsia and if we can avoid that this time that I am a great candidate for VBAC. I made it very clear that I was very set on doing what was best and safest for me and the baby and that if things went well that VBAC was the way to go, but in the case of complications I was prepared for the possibility of a repeat c-section.

I really really feel good about today's appt. And I am getting really excited about this ultrasound coming up.

For all my friends who have walked or are still walking the road

of Primary or Secondary infertility. A friend of mine shared this link with me and I had to share it with all of you.

http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html

Reading this brought back the tears but it's something I felt you all could benefit from reading. Especially if you have some friends and family members that just don't get it. I would definitely send this to them.

I am so blessed to only have suffered only one miscarriage and only one year of secondary infertility .. so many of my beautiful friends have suffered through more losses and more years of infertility and are still waiting to find their path to parenthood (however they get there) this post is for all of them. Sending them prayers and lots of parenthood vibes. No matter how it happens I am wishing for your children to make a grand appearance into your lives ASAP.

14 weeks today.

Warning .. Sappy pregnancy post .. if you don't want to "hear it" please leave now!! You have been warned!!!



Wow .. things are really starting to sink in. I feel like we are actually going to get a baby this time. God I hope so. I am actually no longer thinking the bad thoughts .. like will I miscarry today? I am actually starting to be able to look forward to April. I actually picked out a beautiful crib the other day (we got rid of Chip's about 8 months ago) and my mother bought it for me on ebay. My mother rocks!!! You can see it here : http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=3195&item=4326684179&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW

I also have started looking at bedding. And have picked out a boy bedding :
http://www.thebabysnursery.com/bedding_barnyard.html

and a girl bedding:
http://www.thebabysnursery.com/bedding_fairy.html

So I should be ready for either answer we get at our big 18 week ultrasound!!!

As long is the baby isn't bashful and hides the goods.

Good news (update on the two mommies with spotting)

They both went to the Dr. today and got ultrasound and their babies are doing GREAT!!! YEAH. Our board really needed some good news. I have worried about these women and their babies so much today. Glad they both got good news. I hope and pray that everything continues to go well for the rest of the April mommies to be. Miscarriage is so incredibly difficult and so many people don't realize what an amazing amount of grief it actually causes.

Crying my eyes out

It has been an incredibly rough week for my Due in April board. In the last 2 days we have had 3 miscarriages and 2 more mommies are spotting. I am just devistated for these women. These aren't even early miscarriages that are so common .. these women are 10 and 11 weeks along and had seen the heartbeat. These are women who had been told that same stupid statistic that used to reassure me "once you have seen the heartbeat there is only 5% chance of miscarriage". God I hate that statistic. If you think about how many babies are born each year and you figure 5% of that rate .. it's a HIGH #. Believe me I know because I got kicked in the teeth last year by that same statistic. Their miscarriages (and D&Cs) remind me so much of my loss last year and it's so heartbreaking. I wish I could hug each one of them and say something that will make it all better. But I know it will never be better. I've learned that even though you go on, you never get over it. I am praying so hard for the 2 mommies that are spotting that they won't recieve the same news as the other 3 women have recieved this week. Not to mention praying for all the other mommies on my board. I know I am now in the 2nd trimester (which is the "safe zone" haha) but I know in my heart I am still not out of the woods yet. If you are the praying type .. please say a prayer for these poor moms and their new angels.

My brother is the victim of Identity Theft :(

His day was going fine until he went to the mail yesterday. First letter he got was a credit rejection letter from some place he had never applied for credit. The next letter he opened was a letter from Gateway saying he had a 1800.00 credit limit with them and 1799.00 had been used of it. He has never done any business with Gateway. He called the local police (he is not an officer in the city he lives in .. but one about 20 minutes away) and they came over and filed a report. He called all the credit agencies and let them know what's going on. They are sending him copies of his credit report (I am scared to hear what all this creep has run up on there). The guy doing this had given them Steve's first and last name and his social security # and address (for the bill) and a different phone # to contact and a different delivery address. Steve called the phone # they had listed and got this man's answering machine but it had no name on the answering machine .. but the ironic thing is the guy ends his message with "Have a blessed Day" . Steve said when he heard that message he wanted to wrap his hands around this person's neck and give it a good squeeze. The cops told Steven it may take YEARS to clear all this up. I feel so bad for him. He is soooo down. He now has to go to his Police Department and tell them about this. Because when you are a police officer they keep a watch on your credit score and such .. they don't want cops up to their neck in debt because they might be more likely to be bribed and such. Also he has been getting ready to apply for a police job in a different city and now when he applies he will have to explain this situation to them too. I could just cry.

Second Trimester!!! (GULP!)

Wow I can't believe I have made it. I have had so many fears and paranoia this pregnancy that making it this far never really crossed my mind. Holy crap. I am so happy. I hope by getting happy I am not gearing up myself for a big dissapointment. Oh for the days of innocence when I believed getting pregnant meant you would have a healthy baby 9 months later. God I wish I could be that person again. But I can't. I can never be that person who has no idea of the real statistics ever again. But for today I am happy that I have made it this far. Only 27 more weeks to go. I am 1/3rd of the way through.

In about 5 more weeks we will have our big ultrasound where they look at the baby (or babies .. I will mention more of this in just a minute) and hopefully will tell us the baby (ies) look great and healthy and hopefully tell us the sex(es).

Notice the plurals I keep using? I didn't mention this to anyone earlier because I thought my DH was joking. But he SWEARS up and down that during our ultrasound that he thought he saw another baby not just the one that I saw. It wasn't a vaginal ultrasound and I was only like 11w1d during the ultrasound and it wasn't very clear but there was obviously one bouncing baby in there. But he swears that he saw another one in there too. The thing is .. twins run on both sides of my family. My great grandfather was a twin on mom's side, and on my dad's side I have twin cousins and my great grandmother was a twin. So wow .. that would be incredibly wild. With my other 2 pregnancies I had vaginal ultrasounds early and there was no doubt there was only one baby in there. This time there is a possibility of there being more .. because the dr. was using an abdominal one and she didn't really pan around much .. basically she just wanted to show me one live baby to calm my fears. I had forgotten to mention the history of twins to her. For some reason it never even occured to me to mention it this time. Where is the other two times I mentioned it right away.

So there is my little news. Charles seems very sure of it. And he was this sure about Chip being a boy too .. so it's got me wondering. 5 more weeks .. to find out the sex and whether there is one or two in there. I want one healthy baby but I sure as heck wouldn't turn down two healthy babies .. but sure hope if we have two that atleast one of them is a girl .. cause other wise I am going to be SEVERELY out numbered.

The funny thing is when I was little I wanted a little girl and then twin boys. Well I got my boy first .. so maybe we could have twin girls? Oh and all the twins in both sides of my family have been of the same sex so if we got one of each that would really stick out.

Have I mentioned lately

How much I value and appreciate all my online friends. If not. I am saying now. I love and appreciate each one of you. You all provide special things in my life. I don't know how I would have survived the last year with out you ladies. Some of you I have known even longer and I just want to tell each and everyone of you how much I appreciate your friendship and support. You ladies are the best. Reading your posts from yesterday it just reminded me all over again how blessed I am to have you all in my life. I have always heard when one door closes another one opens. I will always ache for the baby I lost .. but I think all of our angels have guided us together so that we can watch over each other.

Mias2Angels

I saw about Justin on another board today. I don't know your's and Justin's story. But I saw his photo in your blogger account. And I just wanted to tell you how beautiful he was. If you would email me (sweetrobin@mail2mom.com) or post a link to where I can read about his story I would really love to read it. There is nothing harder than losing a child. If it was up to me no mother or father would ever have to go through that. Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and little Justin. And in your honor I wanted to post a poem that someone sent me when I lost my Stella last year. It made me cry .. but it made me feel better too. I hope and pray that it will help heal your heart the way it has helped heal mine.




What makes a mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes; and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother, when your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other kids and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear, My Mommy Loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me, I learned my lesson very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day when she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear "Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay. Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me, until your lesson is through. And on the day that you come home; they'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart. It's the Love you had so much of; right from the very start.

Reguarding Anonymous Posters with mean things to say.

You know your comments would mean alot more to me if you used your name. I'm sorry if my post offended you .. but it's kind of hard to make ammends to someone who isn't even willing to tell you who they are.

You know you don't have to like me. But this is my blog .. if you don't like it. Don't read it. I'm sorry if my feelings piss you off. I am sure there are plenty of other blogs out there for you to frequent. As for me not being supportive. Well you obviously don't really know me because the people that do know that I am one of the most supportive people around to all my friends, both primary and secondary infertiles .. not to mention any of my friends that don't fall into that category. I actually have spent over the last year on the TTC after loss board and now have moved on to the Pregnancy After Loss board and I have done nothing but support my friends on both those boards. So how dare you acuse me of not being supportive.

But you know what .. if my making a simple post about how my life has changed in the last 3 months has really offended you that bad.. please let me know who you are so that I can make sure I never bother you again incase I frequent your blog or something. Because I really don't want to waste my time posting to or caring about someone who says something so mean and hurtful to me.

You know I have had alot of sadness and alot of pain in my life .. but I have never gone out of my way to try to cause pain to someone the way you 2 anonymous posters did. If I hurt you inadvertantly well then I am very sorry. If your message was in the intent of hurting me. Well I'm sorry but you missed the mark, because I definitely don't want to be friends with someone as bitter and spewing hateful things like that.

You don't have to like what I say .. but my words are my own .. you have no right to tell me what not to say.

Wow has my outlook changed in 3 months.

I just got the urge to go back and read all my posts that I have posted since I first started this blog. I was so sad and so depressed when I started this blog. I had pretty much reached the end of my rope I think with the whole TTC process. The weird thing is I didn't even know that I had conceived (or atleast ovulated where conception ended up occuring) 2 days before I started this board. It's funny. I've discoved if you want to get pregnant and haven't been having much luck pay the 45$ for Fertility Friend VIP membership and then open up a blog talking about how you are battleing secondary infertility. It worked for me.

So I have passed my former loss mark

We found out at 11w4d that we had lost our last baby. I had my D&E at 11w6d. I am officially 12w1d now with this baby .. and on this past Monday we saw our beautiful jumping and flipping baby. It feels surreal to have made it past that humongous milestone. Only 6 more days and I will no longer be in the first trimester. I am already starting to not feel quite as bad. Although I am still tired constantly. The nausea hasn't been quite so bad. And my breasts haven't been quite as sore. I think I am reaching a point where the diminishing symptoms are being contributed to the 2nd trimester approaching rather than jumping to the conclusion that something is wrong with the baby. Now I am not saying that all my worries are gone.. but just that I seem to be relaxing and seeming to be able to accept this pregnancy with out so many reservations.

I am on cloud 9

I had my dr appt. today. They were soooo backed up today. My appt. was scheduled at 10am .. but I didn't get seen until 12 o'clock. The dr. tried to listen to the heartbeat and couldn't hear it .. which I wasn't surprised by being that I am plus sized. With Chip they tried at 12 weeks and couldn't hear it. So they brought in the ultrasound machine (the abdominal one .. apparently something was up with the vaginal one) and started the ultrasound. It took a minute or so (and it was fuzzy) but suddenly we saw this little tiny baby and all of a sudden it jumped!!! The Dr. said "Well I can't really see the heartbeat because of it being fuzzy but that is obviously one alive baby!" and then it did a flip, and then another jump. I have never been so thrilled in my whole life. I feel like a 50lb weight has been removed off me. I think we are going to be okay this time!!! I can't imagine any baby doing flips not being healthy right?

10 Weeks!!!

I can't believe I am 25% of the way through. I am still having bouts of nausea, my breasts are HUGE (they need their own zipcode) and I still have major fatigue. I can't believe only 3 more weeks to go until the second trimester. I so hope I make it this time. If I make it to the second trimester I think I will be able to relax a little bit. My friends online keep selling all these adorable baby cloths .. and I have had to really restrain myself. I am trying my best not to buy anything until we have the big ultrasound where we find out boy or girl. My MIL and my mom are convinced the baby is a girl. But I am trying to think boy. I don't want to get my hopes built up on a girl and then be crushed. So I am thinking boy (boys are wonderful! My son Chip is my life!) until I know differently. I will be thrilled if we have a girl though. I really thought Chip was a girl and was soooo surprised when he turned out to be a boy. This time I think I will be thrilled either way.

I don't have Gestational Diabetes !!! WOO HOO

I have been so tired lately that I hadn't gotten a chance to write about flunking my one hour GD test on Wednesday. I was really stressed about it because Diabetes runs on both sides of my family and I am plus size which sure doesn't help my chances of getting it any. That's the reason they tested me at like 9 weeks where most people get tested much later on in their pregnancy. I had to go and take the 3 hour test yesterday. Good lord it should be illegal to make a pregnant woman with morning sickness go 12 hours without eating or drinking then make her drink Sunkist on crack and then expect her to not vomit for 3 hours. I was sooooo sick. I ended up spending an hour laying down in a dark exam room trying my best not to hurl. If I had hurled I would have had to do it all over again. Well luckily I didn't throw it back up, and all my numbers came back good. So I am in the clear for the moment. I will have to take it again around 28 weeks .. lucky me. I requested that I skip the 1 hour since I always fail it anyways and just skip straight to the 3 hour so I don't have to drink that stuff twice. It's funny I used to love Sunkist .. but after this experience I may never be able to drink an orange soda again.

Oh and my appt is scheduled for 9/13 (one year and one day after my D&E .. fun fun fun). I will be 11w1d ... last year I found out my baby had died at 11w4d .. if you pray .. please pray that the ultrasound finds a healthy baby with a beatiful heartbeat this time.

Watching a Baby Story

And I am thinking of Getupgrrl! Today's show is about a couple who couldn't carry a baby to term on their own so they found a wonderful surrogate .. they ended up also using a donar egg (after two failed attempts with the woman's eggs :( ) and they are getting ready to great their beautiful baby. The couple and the surrogate and her husband and family have become very close. The mother to be is so awesome. She has even go through the process of lactating. She said she couldn't carry the baby in her womb but that she could and would do this for her baby. The Dr. proscribed her some medicine and put her on b/c pills to try to trick her body into thinking she was pregnant and then she started pumping and WALLAH she is now producing milk and just awaiting the arrival of her baby to be. I am soooo excited for this woman. And I am hoping and praying that Getupgrrl will soon be in this woman's shoes and be awaiting the arrival of her healthy baby!!! Sending good luck with her possible surrogate !!! I am pulling for her so hard.

Here's one for Julia

Ok I read Julia's post tonight about a Maidenform Ad and had to post about this JC Penney's Ad for a NURSING GOWN. Please go look at photo of said NURSING gown. Notice anything odd about the woman wearing the NURSING gown? Oh wait .. is that a BOTTLE she is feeding that baby. Um hello??? Who advertizes for a freaking NURSING GOWN .. with a photo of a bottle feeding baby??? Who was the mental giant who thought up this Ad????

Chip is being soooo sweet about the baby

We are trying to get him used to the idea of mommy having a baby growing in her tummy. And he has been so sweet about it. He will pat my belly and then he says "Baby" then he will kiss my belly. It's Sooooo incredibly sweet. It makes me want to cry!!! Then some times he changes it a little and will pat my belly, say "Baby" and then when I think he is going to kiss my belly he instead blows a ZERBERT in stead. It makes us laugh. He is such a little goober. I love him so much. I can't wait to see him get to have a little sibling to have as a friend and companion. The baby is due the month before Chip hit's 3 years old so I think it will be a great age difference.

My mom and my brother know now.

They were happy. I ended up not doing anything special .. shame on me .. but I have felt like crap lately so haven't done anything much except work and sleep. We were all watching Chip and I was like so do you like him enough that you think you are ready for another one? and My mom looked at me and goes .. are you pregnant? and I said yep. I told her how far along I was and she was like you kept this a secret for this long. I explained to her that I had found out about the baby the day before my granddad died and I didn't think that that was a good time to break the news .. and that I hadn't wanted to tell them over the phone I had wanted to tell them in person. They were excited. Mom told Charles and said he had better had made sure that this time was a girl .. we all laughed and said .. it's probably a boy. She said oh well if he is anything like his big brother he will be the perfect child.

After they left I talked to my SIL on the phone and I went ahead and spilled the beans to her so that mom wouldn't have to worry about keeping it a secret when they went to see them. Not sure how my brother is taking it. He stills see me as this 13 year old girl that I was when he moved out and went to college. He had a hard time getting used to me getting married and having Chip .. and now this is my 3rd pregnancy .. so I am sure it's a little uncomfortable for him to think about. The kewl thing is I got pregnant with this little baby about a week before his son was born .. so Evan and this little baby (either Skyla or Cage) will be about 9 months apart .. give or take.

My new neurosis

Okay .. I go to the Dr. to get my official test and everything on Friday. Not sure when I will actually go in for a real appt. after that. But for some reason today it's been driving me crazy .. what if the pregnancy isn't going well .. what if my HCG has dropped. I kept thinking .. I haven't puked yet .. my boobs aren't quite as sore as they were last week. What if what if what if. It's enough to drive ya batty. So today I ran and grabbed another pregnancy test. THANK GOD for Dollar Tree tests!!! This is the 4th one I have taken so far. So I take it .. I swear that is the fastest positive pregnancy test I have ever seen!!!! I mean the second line was DARK PINK before the first line was even wet. So that reassured me and made me feel like a ninny at the same time. So the news for today .. I am STILL PREGNANT !!! Woo hoo. This is gonna be the longest first trimester in history. I say a little prayer on a regular basis every day. "Please God let my baby be okay. Let him or her be healthy and a sticky baby. Please let me go home from the hospital in 8 months with a healthy baby." This is my daily prayer. Oh yeah and my new favorite friend is GINGER ALE .. This stuff is the only thing that seems to help me get rid of the "I need to yack" all day feeling. And what's with the runny nose and extra saliva? I took a shower this morning and ever since .. my nose has been running like a race horse.

Woo hoo

My last post actually posted!!! YEAH ... I am so glad whatever was going wrong the other day is now fixed.

Be wary of what you wish for

I woke up this morning and was freaking because I wasn't nautious. Now couple hours later I am so nautious I can barely contain myself. But that's okay. I know it's weird to pray for nausea but after having a miscarriage .. any pregnancy symptom is something to cling to.

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant. If I can make it 6 more weeks and everything be okay .. I think I will calm down some. I found out at 11w4d that my baby no longer had a heartbeat, after having had one for 3 weeks, my last pregnancy. So my goal is to make it over the 12 week goal line and hopefully this pregnancy will be a sticky one.

So we told my MIL and youngest SIL tonight

I almost spilled the beans today

I was talking to my mother on the phone on the way home from work. I came soooo close to telling her about the baby. I want to .. but at the same time I am terrified that if I start telling people that I will jinx the baby and something will go wrong.

Feeling rough

Between work, all the funeral stuff for my granddaddy, and being in the first trimester well lets just say Stephanie is one tired out puppy. I won tickets to a movie preview this past week at work. The movie is showing Thursday night so I would have had to switch off on Thursday and work tomorrow instead .. I was actually upset to find out I had won the stupid tickets. I was like can  I give them to someone else that wants them. I am just so exhausted from this weekend's events that I really need my day off tomorrow. They were kewl with that. They don't know I am pregnant yet. No one does. Charles and my cousin Tina are the only people in real life that know I am pregnant. I am still scared to tell my family just yet because of last year's loss. Charles gave me a great lead in last night at my mom's and couldn't believe I didn't say anything. But I am just too big of a chicken right now. I am scared that if I start telling people that I will jinx it and that it will all go away. One good thing on the tired ness factor is that my mother and step-father are "kidnapping" Chip (they love and adore him and he adores them) and taking him back to Georgia with them for a week or two. Being that I am so exhausted right now I jumped on the offer when they said that. Plus that gives Charles a chance to finish remodelling the house. He has the living room to paint and our bedroom left. It's impossible to remodel with a 2 year old underfoot. So we take advantage of my mom's offer to keep Chip when we can so he can work on the house. The kitchen and Chip's room we did the last time they had him.

My granddad died last night

So I have one more angel watching over me now. It's so hard. In 1996 I lost my two grandmothers 6 months apart. In 1999 I lost one granddad and then my dad a month apart. Two months later I lost my great grandmother. Then last September I lost my second child at not quite 12 weeks. And now Granddaddy Calvin.



Granddaddy Calvin at his last birthday July 1st 2004


Calvin was my dad's dad so atleast now I know he is in good company with my dad and my grandma and my baby that I lost. I got the call last night. My cousin was hysterical. I couldn't even understand what she was saying to begin with. Then it dawned on me what was going on. I said " Do you need me? " She continued to sob and said " I don't know " I told her I would be there as fast as I could. And I was there as soon as I could be. I drove like a bat out of hell to get there. Traffic was horrible. A normal hour drive took an hour and 15 minutes.

When I got there I realized the funeral home's hearse was blocking the drive (along with all the vehicles of my aunt, uncle and many cousins). I  parked 2 houses down at my great aunt's and ran across her yard, my cousin Virgil's yard and field and raced to granddaddy's house. I was so scared that they would have already taken him by the time I got there. I got there just in time. Had I been 5 minutes later I would have missed them probably. My cousin Pam saw my face and stopped the people from the funeral home and said that I needed some time with him. I said my goodbyes, cried and patted his hand and rubbed his arm. He didn't look like my grandfather any more.

My cousin Tina who lived with granddaddy and will now be renting the house was scared to stay there by herself after they took granddaddy away and all the aunts, uncles and cousins all went home so I spent the night with her. We were all stressed out so we relived a tradition from our past. Whenever we were upset about something we would spend the night over and one another's house and we would bake. Cupcakes, muffins, cakes or cookies  .. you name it we baked it. So last night we went to the grocery store and got cake mix and icing and made and decorated cupcakes and then watched (okay half watched because we ended up crashing about 2am) Along Came Polly. Which the part I saw was really funny.

This morning I had to get up early, drive home, order flowers (I ordered an arrangement that me, my mom, and my brother went in on .. a beautiful bible made with mums with red roses accented. My granddad loved roses) and then got ready and headed straight to work. I worked 7 hours then came home. I am sooo exhausted.

Tomorrow is the family visitation (or wake whatever you want to call it). I will spend the night at my mom's that way I don't have to drive all the way back home and then get up bright and early and drive back on Monday for the funeral.

Please keep us all in your prayers if you pray. It's going to be another couple of stressful days for us all.

Can you say do over???

Well today July 22nd 2004 exactly one year after my last BFP I got another one. I get another chance at this Mommy thing :) or atleast I sure hope so. This baby will never replace Stella, but I know that I have a hole in my heart that needs filling. I am cautiously due April 3rd 2005 which is exactly 1 month and 5 days before my son turns 3. I am so excited and so scared. I am praying to God that everything goes perfectly this time and we get a healthy baby girl or boy to bring home with us say 8 months from now. If you pray .. please pray for us and our little unborn baby. What a difference a few days can make!!! 2 days ago I was in the depths of dispair .. today I am on cloud 9.

So today is my 27th birthday

And what a depressing birthday it has been. My last remaining grandparent is my granddad Calvin (my dad's dad) well he is dieing with lung cancer. He took a major turn for the worst yesterday and isn't expected to live but maybe a couple of days. Then I decided to take a HPT test today hoping and praying that 13 dpo for once would be enough to get that beautiful 2 pink lines I am so waiting to see. No such luck. I sat and cried before going to work. My husband tried to reassure me because the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Stella our angel baby. I tested early got a negative and cried my heart out only to get a positive 4 days later. I so hope we will get a positive soon. But it's so hard to think positive right now.  I wish I could remember what it was like to not have to wonder if I would ever get pregnant again. When we first started TTC with Stella everything was so exciting and we just knew we were going to get pregnant and we did .. first month trying. We just knew our little family was going to be complete and everything was going to be perfect. God were we stupid or what? Okay not stupid so much as ignorant. Ignorant of the statistics .. that one in 4 documented pregnancies ends up in miscarriage. Ignorant in the fact that even after seeing the heartbeat you aren't out of the woods. 3-5% of women still miscarry after seeing their baby's heart beat. It's funny I used to comfort myself with that statistic!!! That statistic sounds great until you realize how many MILLIONS of pregnancies there are  and that multiplied by that statistic its staggering to know how many women still lose their child after seeing it have a heartbeat. That statistic is no longer comforting when you are in that 3-5%. I also was ignorant of the fact that 1 in 130 births ends in still birth. I have friends that learned that statistic the hard way. I so wish I could be ignorant again. I wish I could have that assurance that I was going to get pregnant again and carry a baby to term and go home with a healthy baby. Not the fear that I live in now. The fear that I won't ever get pregnant again, that even if I do get pregnant again who says my baby will make it when Stella didn't. Oh how I wish I could have instant amnesia and forget all the horrible statistic I have learned in the last year and just be that woman I was last year waiting on a pregnancy test to turn up positive .. at almost the exact time. I got my positive test with Stella 2 days after my birthday last year. What a horrible year 26 was for me. I am hoping and praying that with the start of this new year I can find better out comes and hope than I have found in the last year of my life. If you made it this far .. thank you for reading my rambling thoughts.

Well I tested and got a

:bfn .. I pretty much expected it because I have never gotten a :bfp this early in either of my pregnancies. The cool thing is that the test I open was supposed to have one test in it .. but it had two. So I didn't lose anything by testing so early. I will probably test again at 15dpo and 17dpo if :af doesn't show up.

Psycho Hose Beast Thy Name is Steff

OMG .. the last two days the most minor thing totally sets me off into the worst mood!!!! OMG I have flipped out on Charles last night over him not wanting me to fix the kind of Pizza I wanted. Then today in the story purchasing a new tv  I just totally flipped out when their was a minor issue. Totally unlike me. Charles is convinced I am pregnant. I hope he is right .. if not I must be in the middle of some hellish PMS.  Which AF isn't expected for another 7 days.  My temps are shooting up really well too. So I am leaning towards the Pregnant theory. Pregnancy for me is like being Manic Depressive for 9 months.

Trying not to get excited

But it's sooo hard!!! My temps have been super high the last 3 morning in a row. I know it's possible that it's because of sleep interuptions and such. Oh but I sure hope they are legitimate temps and mean that my chart is really triphasic this month. I would so love to be pregnant. Not that the TTC hasn't been fun (haha), but come on already. Let's bring on the puking and peeing all the time!!! I think women who have been ttc for a long time or who have had miscarriages are the only women that pray for morning sickness. But really .. I am just ready and raring for some morning sickness.

Yesterday at 3:27 I became an Aunt

My nephew Evan Ray Currie came into the world screaming his head off after about 25 minutes of pushing on my beautiful sister in law's part. She had an incredible labor. She refused pitocin, refused an Epidural and only had a shot of Stadol to help take the edge off. Evan was 7lbs 2oz and 20 inches long. Which is huge for a baby 3.5 weeks early.  Here he is with his loving Aunt Steff . Isn't he precious???
 
I am totally in love with my wonderful little nephew. I can't wait until he is old enough to play with his cousin Chip (my 2 year old).

My sister in law is going to be the best mother ever!!!  Not to mention how great she looked after a 12.5 hour labor.  Like a model!!!

Here is a photo of their little family. That's my big brother Steven in the Orange hat. The proud Daddy!!! (Not to mention very tired!!!)

I'm going to be an aunt.

My sil is right now in labor. Her water broke at 3pm today. I just got off the phone with my brother. She is about 3-4 centimeters dialated and his contracting on her own but they don't seem to be too strong. I know she wants to go as natural as possible so I hope and pray the Dr. doesn't stick her on pitocin. I wish I could be there so bad, but I have to work in the morning so I can't leave tonight. It's killing me sitting here and not being there. I asked Steve if they were giving Sharon any antibiotics since she hadn't had her Group B Strep test. He asked Sharon and she said they had given her the Group C Strep test today but haven't gotten the results back. I told Steve to make sure that they mention it to the nurse when she comes back in. I know how horrible Group B Strep can affect a baby and I don't want them taking any chances with my precious little nephew. It's amazing how losing a child instills fear in your heart. Before my miscarriage pregnancy and birth didn't scare me. Now it terrifies me.

I am so weak!!!

Ugh .. all last cycle I went without buying any HPT or having any in the house. So I didn't test at all last month and just waited for AF to show up on her own. I was so proud of myself!!! It was like being on the testing addict wagon. Well guess what ? I fell off the wagon tonight. We were at the Dollar tree and DH made the mistake of pointing out that they "had pregnancy tests coming out the wazoo" and I saw them .. and automatically my addiction kicked in and I grabbed some. I couldn't help myself. It was like a crack addict needing a fix. I was good though. I limited myself to two. But I promised myself that if I need more I was come back. SICK SICK SICK!!! Where can I sign up for Pregnancy Test Addict Anonomous??? I need an intervention. DH says I should just take a dollar bill out and pee on it and then flush it. He thinks it does pretty much the same thing. And I can't say as I blame him. It's pretty much true.

Ah the lovely 2 week wait and the neurosis that goes with it

So today makes me 4dpo. Now I know in my head that there is no way I could possibly know at this point whether I am pregnant and will be getting a BFP this month. Even if the sperm and the egg met up the chance of it having implanted this early is extremely small. In my head I know implantation takes place normally within the 6dpo-10dpo window and that's when the HCG starts building and that's what makes you start having pregnancy symptoms. Since I know this, why is it that when something as minor as my breast starting to itch does the phrase "Oh my goodness .. my boob is itching .. is it sore? Am I finally pregnant again???" immediately pop into my head? TTC I think has made me into a hypechondriac, not with illnesses .. but with pregnancy symptoms. And believe me it's not intentional. Because I totally hate the getting excited and hopeful each month only to be greeted by a negative HPT and the followed shortly there after by a visit from my least favorite relative Aunt Flo. My body just can't seem to help itself. Each month it builds me up with these phantom symptoms and against my best intentions I forget everything but the idea of being pregnant again. I feel like this dog an old friend of mine had. About every 6 months or so the dog would go through a fake "pregnancy" and then apparently give birth to imaginary "puppies". We all talked about how crazy the dog was and we would laugh. Now I am starting to be able to imagine how the poor dog felt.

I had quite the exciting night last night

I almost got to be an aunt last night. My mom called about 10pm last night saying she had just got off the phone with my brother and that my sister in law was having contractions and had been spotting blood all day. Well the contractions were like 9 minutes apart and they called the Dr. and he told them to monitor them for an hour and if they kept on coming, got any closer or got more intense to give them a call. Within an hour they were headed to the hospital because they were 6-7 minutes apart and were getting much more intense. My brother had told me that Sharon was a day or two shy of 37 weeks so I got ready and headed to their hospital which was about 2 hours away. Apparently Steve had gotten the weeks wrong because Sharon was just at 36 weeks last night. The nurse put Sharon on the monitor and checked her and she was in real labor it wasn't just Braxton-Hicks. She had started dialating and was 90% effaced and Evan (my nephew's name is to be Evan Ray after my brother and my dad)was engaged and ready to go. The nurse called the Dr. on call and he decided that he didn't want to let the labor to progress so they gave my sister in law a shot of Tirbulen (sp?) and her labor stopped. They ended up discharging her and gave her 3 days of Tirbulen pills. She has to take it every 4 hours for the next three days until she sees her Dr. on Tuesday morning. I am pretty irritated with her Dr. because he didn't even come in to see her while she was there. She will be seeing a different Dr. on Tuesday so hopefully he will show her more attention. The good news is according to all the monitoring Evan is doing outstanding. I was so worried something would go wrong. After my loss and having so many friends who have gone through such terrible heart wrenching losses I am on paranoia over drive until this baby get's here safe and sound. I love my brother and his wife so much and I already love my nephew to be sooooo much that the thought of anything going wrong .. it's just too terrible to think about. My little nephew is a miracle baby. My brother and his wife tried for like 2.5 years to get pregnant with him and I know they were beginning to worry that they may never get have a child. I am so thankful that they are getting to experience all this wonderful stuff. I just hope and pray that little Evan gets here safe and sound. I told Sharon that if she could wait 9 more days Evan could be on my birthday. That would be so awesome.

The TTC Rollercoaster

My DH and I have been on the TTC Rollercoaster for over a year. We started TTC #2 back in June of 2003. I got pregnant immediately. Too much celebrating on the 4th of July apparently. Our little firecracker baby we called our unborn child. Well atleast until all hell broke loose. We found out on the 10th of September that our baby's heart beat had stopped. I had a D&E 2 days later. The dr. told us it would be best to wait 3 cycles before TTC again to let my uterus recover from all the turmoil. So we did. We couldn't wait to TTC again I mean it only took 6 months to get pregnant with our son Chip, and then it only took a month of trying for our second child (we named our angel Stella Rhiannon which means Star Goddess .. we thought it appropriate for an angel baby) so surely we would be pregnant shortly.

Well here we are 8 cycles later, still waiting on the Fertility Gods to say,
"Hey those people right there deserve to have another child."

My dad (he died in April of 1999.. I know he is in Heaven taking care of my angel baby) used to tell me that times of tragedy and strain are charecter builders.

I have lost my father, 3 grandparents, a great grandparent, and my child all in the last 8 years. Oh yeah and my only remaining grandparent has been diagnosed with lung cancer and has only 3 months to live. Gee do you think I have enough charecter yet???