And what a depressing birthday it has been. My last remaining grandparent is my granddad Calvin (my dad's dad) well he is dieing with lung cancer. He took a major turn for the worst yesterday and isn't expected to live but maybe a couple of days. Then I decided to take a HPT test today hoping and praying that 13 dpo for once would be enough to get that beautiful 2 pink lines I am so waiting to see. No such luck. I sat and cried before going to work. My husband tried to reassure me because the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Stella our angel baby. I tested early got a negative and cried my heart out only to get a positive 4 days later. I so hope we will get a positive soon. But it's so hard to think positive right now. I wish I could remember what it was like to not have to wonder if I would ever get pregnant again. When we first started TTC with Stella everything was so exciting and we just knew we were going to get pregnant and we did .. first month trying. We just knew our little family was going to be complete and everything was going to be perfect. God were we stupid or what? Okay not stupid so much as ignorant. Ignorant of the statistics .. that one in 4 documented pregnancies ends up in miscarriage. Ignorant in the fact that even after seeing the heartbeat you aren't out of the woods. 3-5% of women still miscarry after seeing their baby's heart beat. It's funny I used to comfort myself with that statistic!!! That statistic sounds great until you realize how many MILLIONS of pregnancies there are and that multiplied by that statistic its staggering to know how many women still lose their child after seeing it have a heartbeat. That statistic is no longer comforting when you are in that 3-5%. I also was ignorant of the fact that 1 in 130 births ends in still birth. I have friends that learned that statistic the hard way. I so wish I could be ignorant again. I wish I could have that assurance that I was going to get pregnant again and carry a baby to term and go home with a healthy baby. Not the fear that I live in now. The fear that I won't ever get pregnant again, that even if I do get pregnant again who says my baby will make it when Stella didn't. Oh how I wish I could have instant amnesia and forget all the horrible statistic I have learned in the last year and just be that woman I was last year waiting on a pregnancy test to turn up positive .. at almost the exact time. I got my positive test with Stella 2 days after my birthday last year. What a horrible year 26 was for me. I am hoping and praying that with the start of this new year I can find better out comes and hope than I have found in the last year of my life. If you made it this far .. thank you for reading my rambling thoughts.