I almost spilled the beans today

I was talking to my mother on the phone on the way home from work. I came soooo close to telling her about the baby. I want to .. but at the same time I am terrified that if I start telling people that I will jinx the baby and something will go wrong.

Feeling rough

Between work, all the funeral stuff for my granddaddy, and being in the first trimester well lets just say Stephanie is one tired out puppy. I won tickets to a movie preview this past week at work. The movie is showing Thursday night so I would have had to switch off on Thursday and work tomorrow instead .. I was actually upset to find out I had won the stupid tickets. I was like can  I give them to someone else that wants them. I am just so exhausted from this weekend's events that I really need my day off tomorrow. They were kewl with that. They don't know I am pregnant yet. No one does. Charles and my cousin Tina are the only people in real life that know I am pregnant. I am still scared to tell my family just yet because of last year's loss. Charles gave me a great lead in last night at my mom's and couldn't believe I didn't say anything. But I am just too big of a chicken right now. I am scared that if I start telling people that I will jinx it and that it will all go away. One good thing on the tired ness factor is that my mother and step-father are "kidnapping" Chip (they love and adore him and he adores them) and taking him back to Georgia with them for a week or two. Being that I am so exhausted right now I jumped on the offer when they said that. Plus that gives Charles a chance to finish remodelling the house. He has the living room to paint and our bedroom left. It's impossible to remodel with a 2 year old underfoot. So we take advantage of my mom's offer to keep Chip when we can so he can work on the house. The kitchen and Chip's room we did the last time they had him.

My granddad died last night

So I have one more angel watching over me now. It's so hard. In 1996 I lost my two grandmothers 6 months apart. In 1999 I lost one granddad and then my dad a month apart. Two months later I lost my great grandmother. Then last September I lost my second child at not quite 12 weeks. And now Granddaddy Calvin.



Granddaddy Calvin at his last birthday July 1st 2004


Calvin was my dad's dad so atleast now I know he is in good company with my dad and my grandma and my baby that I lost. I got the call last night. My cousin was hysterical. I couldn't even understand what she was saying to begin with. Then it dawned on me what was going on. I said " Do you need me? " She continued to sob and said " I don't know " I told her I would be there as fast as I could. And I was there as soon as I could be. I drove like a bat out of hell to get there. Traffic was horrible. A normal hour drive took an hour and 15 minutes.

When I got there I realized the funeral home's hearse was blocking the drive (along with all the vehicles of my aunt, uncle and many cousins). I  parked 2 houses down at my great aunt's and ran across her yard, my cousin Virgil's yard and field and raced to granddaddy's house. I was so scared that they would have already taken him by the time I got there. I got there just in time. Had I been 5 minutes later I would have missed them probably. My cousin Pam saw my face and stopped the people from the funeral home and said that I needed some time with him. I said my goodbyes, cried and patted his hand and rubbed his arm. He didn't look like my grandfather any more.

My cousin Tina who lived with granddaddy and will now be renting the house was scared to stay there by herself after they took granddaddy away and all the aunts, uncles and cousins all went home so I spent the night with her. We were all stressed out so we relived a tradition from our past. Whenever we were upset about something we would spend the night over and one another's house and we would bake. Cupcakes, muffins, cakes or cookies  .. you name it we baked it. So last night we went to the grocery store and got cake mix and icing and made and decorated cupcakes and then watched (okay half watched because we ended up crashing about 2am) Along Came Polly. Which the part I saw was really funny.

This morning I had to get up early, drive home, order flowers (I ordered an arrangement that me, my mom, and my brother went in on .. a beautiful bible made with mums with red roses accented. My granddad loved roses) and then got ready and headed straight to work. I worked 7 hours then came home. I am sooo exhausted.

Tomorrow is the family visitation (or wake whatever you want to call it). I will spend the night at my mom's that way I don't have to drive all the way back home and then get up bright and early and drive back on Monday for the funeral.

Please keep us all in your prayers if you pray. It's going to be another couple of stressful days for us all.

Can you say do over???

Well today July 22nd 2004 exactly one year after my last BFP I got another one. I get another chance at this Mommy thing :) or atleast I sure hope so. This baby will never replace Stella, but I know that I have a hole in my heart that needs filling. I am cautiously due April 3rd 2005 which is exactly 1 month and 5 days before my son turns 3. I am so excited and so scared. I am praying to God that everything goes perfectly this time and we get a healthy baby girl or boy to bring home with us say 8 months from now. If you pray .. please pray for us and our little unborn baby. What a difference a few days can make!!! 2 days ago I was in the depths of dispair .. today I am on cloud 9.

So today is my 27th birthday

And what a depressing birthday it has been. My last remaining grandparent is my granddad Calvin (my dad's dad) well he is dieing with lung cancer. He took a major turn for the worst yesterday and isn't expected to live but maybe a couple of days. Then I decided to take a HPT test today hoping and praying that 13 dpo for once would be enough to get that beautiful 2 pink lines I am so waiting to see. No such luck. I sat and cried before going to work. My husband tried to reassure me because the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Stella our angel baby. I tested early got a negative and cried my heart out only to get a positive 4 days later. I so hope we will get a positive soon. But it's so hard to think positive right now.  I wish I could remember what it was like to not have to wonder if I would ever get pregnant again. When we first started TTC with Stella everything was so exciting and we just knew we were going to get pregnant and we did .. first month trying. We just knew our little family was going to be complete and everything was going to be perfect. God were we stupid or what? Okay not stupid so much as ignorant. Ignorant of the statistics .. that one in 4 documented pregnancies ends up in miscarriage. Ignorant in the fact that even after seeing the heartbeat you aren't out of the woods. 3-5% of women still miscarry after seeing their baby's heart beat. It's funny I used to comfort myself with that statistic!!! That statistic sounds great until you realize how many MILLIONS of pregnancies there are  and that multiplied by that statistic its staggering to know how many women still lose their child after seeing it have a heartbeat. That statistic is no longer comforting when you are in that 3-5%. I also was ignorant of the fact that 1 in 130 births ends in still birth. I have friends that learned that statistic the hard way. I so wish I could be ignorant again. I wish I could have that assurance that I was going to get pregnant again and carry a baby to term and go home with a healthy baby. Not the fear that I live in now. The fear that I won't ever get pregnant again, that even if I do get pregnant again who says my baby will make it when Stella didn't. Oh how I wish I could have instant amnesia and forget all the horrible statistic I have learned in the last year and just be that woman I was last year waiting on a pregnancy test to turn up positive .. at almost the exact time. I got my positive test with Stella 2 days after my birthday last year. What a horrible year 26 was for me. I am hoping and praying that with the start of this new year I can find better out comes and hope than I have found in the last year of my life. If you made it this far .. thank you for reading my rambling thoughts.

Well I tested and got a

:bfn .. I pretty much expected it because I have never gotten a :bfp this early in either of my pregnancies. The cool thing is that the test I open was supposed to have one test in it .. but it had two. So I didn't lose anything by testing so early. I will probably test again at 15dpo and 17dpo if :af doesn't show up.

Psycho Hose Beast Thy Name is Steff

OMG .. the last two days the most minor thing totally sets me off into the worst mood!!!! OMG I have flipped out on Charles last night over him not wanting me to fix the kind of Pizza I wanted. Then today in the story purchasing a new tv  I just totally flipped out when their was a minor issue. Totally unlike me. Charles is convinced I am pregnant. I hope he is right .. if not I must be in the middle of some hellish PMS.  Which AF isn't expected for another 7 days.  My temps are shooting up really well too. So I am leaning towards the Pregnant theory. Pregnancy for me is like being Manic Depressive for 9 months.

Trying not to get excited

But it's sooo hard!!! My temps have been super high the last 3 morning in a row. I know it's possible that it's because of sleep interuptions and such. Oh but I sure hope they are legitimate temps and mean that my chart is really triphasic this month. I would so love to be pregnant. Not that the TTC hasn't been fun (haha), but come on already. Let's bring on the puking and peeing all the time!!! I think women who have been ttc for a long time or who have had miscarriages are the only women that pray for morning sickness. But really .. I am just ready and raring for some morning sickness.

Yesterday at 3:27 I became an Aunt

My nephew Evan Ray Currie came into the world screaming his head off after about 25 minutes of pushing on my beautiful sister in law's part. She had an incredible labor. She refused pitocin, refused an Epidural and only had a shot of Stadol to help take the edge off. Evan was 7lbs 2oz and 20 inches long. Which is huge for a baby 3.5 weeks early.  Here he is with his loving Aunt Steff . Isn't he precious???
 
I am totally in love with my wonderful little nephew. I can't wait until he is old enough to play with his cousin Chip (my 2 year old).

My sister in law is going to be the best mother ever!!!  Not to mention how great she looked after a 12.5 hour labor.  Like a model!!!

Here is a photo of their little family. That's my big brother Steven in the Orange hat. The proud Daddy!!! (Not to mention very tired!!!)

I'm going to be an aunt.

My sil is right now in labor. Her water broke at 3pm today. I just got off the phone with my brother. She is about 3-4 centimeters dialated and his contracting on her own but they don't seem to be too strong. I know she wants to go as natural as possible so I hope and pray the Dr. doesn't stick her on pitocin. I wish I could be there so bad, but I have to work in the morning so I can't leave tonight. It's killing me sitting here and not being there. I asked Steve if they were giving Sharon any antibiotics since she hadn't had her Group B Strep test. He asked Sharon and she said they had given her the Group C Strep test today but haven't gotten the results back. I told Steve to make sure that they mention it to the nurse when she comes back in. I know how horrible Group B Strep can affect a baby and I don't want them taking any chances with my precious little nephew. It's amazing how losing a child instills fear in your heart. Before my miscarriage pregnancy and birth didn't scare me. Now it terrifies me.

I am so weak!!!

Ugh .. all last cycle I went without buying any HPT or having any in the house. So I didn't test at all last month and just waited for AF to show up on her own. I was so proud of myself!!! It was like being on the testing addict wagon. Well guess what ? I fell off the wagon tonight. We were at the Dollar tree and DH made the mistake of pointing out that they "had pregnancy tests coming out the wazoo" and I saw them .. and automatically my addiction kicked in and I grabbed some. I couldn't help myself. It was like a crack addict needing a fix. I was good though. I limited myself to two. But I promised myself that if I need more I was come back. SICK SICK SICK!!! Where can I sign up for Pregnancy Test Addict Anonomous??? I need an intervention. DH says I should just take a dollar bill out and pee on it and then flush it. He thinks it does pretty much the same thing. And I can't say as I blame him. It's pretty much true.

Ah the lovely 2 week wait and the neurosis that goes with it

So today makes me 4dpo. Now I know in my head that there is no way I could possibly know at this point whether I am pregnant and will be getting a BFP this month. Even if the sperm and the egg met up the chance of it having implanted this early is extremely small. In my head I know implantation takes place normally within the 6dpo-10dpo window and that's when the HCG starts building and that's what makes you start having pregnancy symptoms. Since I know this, why is it that when something as minor as my breast starting to itch does the phrase "Oh my goodness .. my boob is itching .. is it sore? Am I finally pregnant again???" immediately pop into my head? TTC I think has made me into a hypechondriac, not with illnesses .. but with pregnancy symptoms. And believe me it's not intentional. Because I totally hate the getting excited and hopeful each month only to be greeted by a negative HPT and the followed shortly there after by a visit from my least favorite relative Aunt Flo. My body just can't seem to help itself. Each month it builds me up with these phantom symptoms and against my best intentions I forget everything but the idea of being pregnant again. I feel like this dog an old friend of mine had. About every 6 months or so the dog would go through a fake "pregnancy" and then apparently give birth to imaginary "puppies". We all talked about how crazy the dog was and we would laugh. Now I am starting to be able to imagine how the poor dog felt.

I had quite the exciting night last night

I almost got to be an aunt last night. My mom called about 10pm last night saying she had just got off the phone with my brother and that my sister in law was having contractions and had been spotting blood all day. Well the contractions were like 9 minutes apart and they called the Dr. and he told them to monitor them for an hour and if they kept on coming, got any closer or got more intense to give them a call. Within an hour they were headed to the hospital because they were 6-7 minutes apart and were getting much more intense. My brother had told me that Sharon was a day or two shy of 37 weeks so I got ready and headed to their hospital which was about 2 hours away. Apparently Steve had gotten the weeks wrong because Sharon was just at 36 weeks last night. The nurse put Sharon on the monitor and checked her and she was in real labor it wasn't just Braxton-Hicks. She had started dialating and was 90% effaced and Evan (my nephew's name is to be Evan Ray after my brother and my dad)was engaged and ready to go. The nurse called the Dr. on call and he decided that he didn't want to let the labor to progress so they gave my sister in law a shot of Tirbulen (sp?) and her labor stopped. They ended up discharging her and gave her 3 days of Tirbulen pills. She has to take it every 4 hours for the next three days until she sees her Dr. on Tuesday morning. I am pretty irritated with her Dr. because he didn't even come in to see her while she was there. She will be seeing a different Dr. on Tuesday so hopefully he will show her more attention. The good news is according to all the monitoring Evan is doing outstanding. I was so worried something would go wrong. After my loss and having so many friends who have gone through such terrible heart wrenching losses I am on paranoia over drive until this baby get's here safe and sound. I love my brother and his wife so much and I already love my nephew to be sooooo much that the thought of anything going wrong .. it's just too terrible to think about. My little nephew is a miracle baby. My brother and his wife tried for like 2.5 years to get pregnant with him and I know they were beginning to worry that they may never get have a child. I am so thankful that they are getting to experience all this wonderful stuff. I just hope and pray that little Evan gets here safe and sound. I told Sharon that if she could wait 9 more days Evan could be on my birthday. That would be so awesome.

The TTC Rollercoaster

My DH and I have been on the TTC Rollercoaster for over a year. We started TTC #2 back in June of 2003. I got pregnant immediately. Too much celebrating on the 4th of July apparently. Our little firecracker baby we called our unborn child. Well atleast until all hell broke loose. We found out on the 10th of September that our baby's heart beat had stopped. I had a D&E 2 days later. The dr. told us it would be best to wait 3 cycles before TTC again to let my uterus recover from all the turmoil. So we did. We couldn't wait to TTC again I mean it only took 6 months to get pregnant with our son Chip, and then it only took a month of trying for our second child (we named our angel Stella Rhiannon which means Star Goddess .. we thought it appropriate for an angel baby) so surely we would be pregnant shortly.

Well here we are 8 cycles later, still waiting on the Fertility Gods to say,
"Hey those people right there deserve to have another child."

My dad (he died in April of 1999.. I know he is in Heaven taking care of my angel baby) used to tell me that times of tragedy and strain are charecter builders.

I have lost my father, 3 grandparents, a great grandparent, and my child all in the last 8 years. Oh yeah and my only remaining grandparent has been diagnosed with lung cancer and has only 3 months to live. Gee do you think I have enough charecter yet???