I dream of Dead People

This morning I woke up very disoriented and with many questions. First I should start off by saying that I almost never remember my dreams. I either a). don't dream , b). am so boring in my dreams it's not worth remembering or c). dream of such scentilating stuff that my waking conscience doesn't allow me to remember it (that sounds alot more exciting of the choices doesn't it? Unfortunately, I feel it must be the former rather than the latter choice).

Upon waking this morning, however, I was bombarded with vague recollections of the most bizarre dream ever. The details are really fuzzy but the thing I definitely recall is that in my dream I was surrounded by my dead relatives. My daddy was there (he died 8 years ago), my paternal grandmother was there with my paternal grandfather (she died 11 years ago and he died the day after I found out I was pregnant with Skyla). The strangest thing was there was also an elderly looking native american man there that I had never seen before. I have the feeling that he was a representative of apparently an ancestor I never met.

It's highly suspected that there is native blood on my dad's side of the family because of the looks of my dad and aunt and others back through the blood line .. dark reddish skin, brown eyes, black straight hair, high cheek bones. I didn't inherit the dark skin and dark hair but with my long straight hair, brown eyes and cheekbones every time I have ever been on an indian reservation (which has been quite often) I have been asked what tribe I belong too.

There were others in the room (oh did I mention this all took place in my grandparent's home which is no longer there?) but I don't remember who they were. They didn't make much of an impression apparently. I remember feeling very happy to be surrounded by them all though, especially my dad and my granddad (who was my favorite grandparent). Then something happened and this is where my recollection gets all fuzzy. Somebody was falsely acused of wrong doing .. stealing I think .. not sure who was acused and it was a big ordeal and then the truth came out and then everything worked itself out. Now what in the world it all meant, I have not a clue!!! I really wish I did.

Everything I have been able to find out about dreaming of dead relatives appears to be mostly negative, they say it's a warning or it has to do with dealing with grief, or that it's just plain scary. For me, my dream didn't seem any of those things, I dealt with my grief along time ago, I don't think they were warning me of anything, and it was more puzzleing than scary. Something to make you go, "Hmmm...".

In need of some divine intervention

Only 2 weeks left to this quarter and things are all coming down to the wire. In 2 of my classes the classes are behind where the teacher wants us to be so we are all running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to get it all done. I can't believe how quick this quarter has flown by. Only 7 class days left for my 2 regular classes and my online class is having it's exam next week! I'm stressing about all of this and how to get it all done.

I've blown off 2 possible relationships here in the last few weeks because I just can't figure out how to schedule in a guy on top of all of the other crazy time consuming matters in my life. Not to mention I think I'm really afraid when it all comes down to it to put my heart on the line again. My last two relationships left me among the walking wounded and I don't know if mentally and emotionally I'm really in a good place for a relationship so I think it's best I stay out of them for awhile. However knowing this in my head doesn't make me miss being loved and being in love any less. It bites but what can ya do? For now I'm just focusing on the kids, my schooling and trying to get to a good place for me before worrying about being in a relationship.

Haven't posted about school in a while.

School is going really well. I ended up with 2 A's and a B last quarter giving me a 3.61 GPA so far. This quarter I have yet again for the moment 2 A's and a B. I'm digging my web design class and my advanced database classes (both of which are the A classes), the B class is my english 191 class. It's been 11 years since I've taken an English class so as long as I get the C I need to count for that class I will be thrilled. I had 2 tests on Thursday .. one in webpage class that I got 100 on, and made a 98 on my access test. Life is good as far as school is concerned.

It makes ya wonder

With my track record with guys, it makes you wonder, is it bad luck or bad taste? Or is it a combination of the two. Sometimes it just makes me wonder if there is something just completely screwed up with me that I can't figure out. Or if there is some invisible tattoo on my forehead that only guys can see that say's "Losers, psychos and commitment phobes please apply here."? Makes ya go "hmmm" doesn't it? There are days where I wish I was a lesbian. Unfortunately I just don't swing that way. Considered the whole nun thing ... but black and white just aren't my colors... not to mention the whole not being Catholic thing. I seriously am considering giving up on men all together. UGH. Born again virgin here we come.

The VT massacre has me really shookup.

First of all .. my heart goes out to all the people who lost loved ones and friends in the VT massacre. My heart goes out to all the people who were injured and are recovering now, and the people who weren't injured but were traumatized. It's so awful to think in this day and time that there are still people out there who can reak so much havic and tragedy on innocent people. I know it's devistating to all who hear or read about it.

The part that keeps freaking me out personally is the stuff I heard on one program talking about the charecteristics and warning signs of people who may eventually snap and become one of those people who cause such a tragedy. The reason it was so scary for me is that for 7 years I lived with someone who so many of those warning signs. I was married to him for 5 years and witness all kinds of erratic behavior that leads to me to think that he may at one point become one of those people who is responcible for a tragic loss of life. The week before he and I split up for good he went out and bought a brand new rifle and enough ammo to "wage a war incase anyone decides they don't like the lifestyle I choose to live." those were his words. They have haunted me for a year and a half.

I am so thankful every day that the kids and I are 6 hours away from him and that he has no visitation with the kids. He hasn't seen them in over a year, and I'm incredibly grateful for that fact. Thankfully if his trigger is ever pulled .. there are 6 hours between him and the kids and I.

Update on me

I'm sorry I haven't been around more. Things have been pretty hectic. Skyla turned 2. Man it doesn't seem possible that my baby girl is so grown up. She's potty training herself too, which is a dream since Chip about drove me crazy with trying to get him potty trained.

I started a new quarter at Augusta tech (changed m major to Computer Support Specialist after one of my proffesors came to me the last day of last quarter and told me he wanted me to change to his major) and I am taking 16 credit hours this quarter .. all hard classes that make you really think but I'm enjoying them. My favorite is the webpage class. I'm learning XHTML coding and designing webpages from scratch with just notepad. It's intensive yet rewarding.

I also have the worst sinus infection I've ever had in all of my almost (GASP!) 30 years and I'm currently on 5 meds the Dr. told me to take. It will either cure me or kill me, not sure which end I'm pulling for ... I just need some kind of relief. Trying to get used to that whole 30 term .. maybe by my birthday in July it won't be so staggering.

Also there is a new fella in my life ... but trying to keep it on the down low because I'm scared of jinxing things, since I tend to have the worst luck with men. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't do my reverse princess and the frog trick .. you know the one where I find a prince ... kiss him and he turns into a frog and hops away.

Holy Canolli

I just realized I'm one week of class away from completing my first quarter here at Augusta Tech ... and as long as I don't really screw up any of my finals .. I should end up with 2 A's (Bus 101 and SCT 100) and one B (MATH 191). Wow .. it's gone by really fast!!! Hallelujah! Monday we sign up for next quarter! My how time flies when you're having fun.

And you know what .. I really did have fun. I've learned at going to school at 29 is so much more rewarding than going to school at 18. I guess I just have my priorities in a better place now and have my head on straight. Not to mention knowing that if I do well in school it will allow me to find a decent paying job that will allow me to support the kids with out always having to stress about whether the child support check is going to show up on time or not.